rumination: just because i’m officially residing in la-la-land now, it doesn’t mean i don’t miss the geekcore, or wonder what’s happening in the tech scene. at times, i wonder if i ever really was a geek anyway. maybe i welcomed being put under a bucket? just because i work(ed) in startup does not make me a g33k . i loved my engineers and hoped that through process of osmosis, i’d get smarter (S-M-R-T) by hanging out with them. maybe it’s just the assumed culture, that because you carry a shiny MacBook and know people by their flickR user names, and you log upwards of 80+ hours a week online, you think that makes you a geek by modern day standards.

i work with machine tools now, running a small business that my father started over 10 years ago. i leased my first office and warehouse space ever. i love my shiny little keys that let me into the mini-haven that is my new workplace. a room to call my own, an office to manage, and a warehouse to maintain. i no longer log crazy hours online, i see sunlight (in some ways), and i socialize with friends who don’t know or care what Wikipedia is. srsly.

i’ve always been okay with letting other people be bigger geeks than me. as long as i was on the fringes of the scene, detecting the pulse, keeping one ear to the ground for tech shenanigans, i didn’t feel the need to be fully integrated. even when i was living in silicon valley, i didn’t feel the need to go to every meetup. than again, since it was my first time working in startup, i was working crazy hours and didn’t prioritize face time. as long as i knew people who were heavily involved in the scene, i felt like i had a good enough understanding of the general lay of the land. just as i’m not on Facebook (and haven’t been since 2005), i don’t digg, and i don’t chat online incessantly (sorry Meebo, AIM, and…whatever), i don’t feel the need to experience things firsthand to know that i don’t care for them. however, i have stumped at the web2.o expo before, i have dated people i’ve met online (IILWY hates me), and i will soon upgrade to a MacBook Aire (yes, i added an ‘e’).

i’ve been so absorbed with and overwhelmed with the office move, that i’ve felt no nostalgia for tech parties, open bars, or free schwag. until now. hear me officially pimp geek dinners in LA. i’m sad because i missed this event last night at uWink:
LA Geek Dinner.

i recently met Heather who puts on these great dinners at hot locations like uWink, and i am starting to feel the itch to be more geeky again. her enthusiasm is beyond contagious, it’s fantastic energy for all (wo)mankind. no more of this, living on the fringes of geekdom thing. i use my Booze Mail coasters daily (thanks Renkoo!), and i am miraculously using a Neopets pen, which resides in a Girl Geek Dinner mug. note: i guess i miss my schwag.

i no longer work in the valley, i don’t live online anymore (nor have i really ever), but i can still be a geek in my own way. i used to be a Nikon SLR aficionado, i am hardcore about yoga, i read 5 books at a time (currently: Laurel Ulrich Thatcher, Michael Pollan, Malcolm Gladwell, Cormac McCarthy, and Jean Paul Sartre), and soon i will be a knitting master (if i ever make it to my first knitting class). i’ve done corporate ladder climbing, startup schizophrenia, and now i’m back to small family-owned business stylings. i still don’t know how to dress because i haven’t had a dress code in 3 years (jeans and a hoodie is standard fare), but i know i don’t ever want to watch The Hills. i want to go to these LA geek events to figure out how to mix high tech with low tech. the machine tools i work with are comfortably stale in a stable industry, conducted in low tech machine shop ways. the culture is different. the interactions, more humane. i deal with people, not emails.

let’s see if anyone still acknowledges me as a geek in 1 more month.

I ran into someone while leaving work today and have been lost in my thoughts ever since. No, it was not a former fling or frenemy, but someone I like to call my guru. I’m a huge believer (in dinosaurs) of fate, but also of meaning-making. I learned this term in existential psychology, the best course I ever took in college. It’s something I always try to impart upon my friends and family whenever they’re down. When you’re down, there’s no place to go but up, but you have to help yourself up in the process. No one can better help or understand you than yourself. Although there’s a huge gap between thought and action, the way you externalize your sentiments is sometimes more obvious to others than to yourself. Why do we turn a blind eye? Denial, or failure to grasp the truth because we’re busy living a lie.

I’ve been super lucky in my past to have had a great support group, both active and inactive. Support systems don’t necessarily have to be consistent, live in-person, or cheesy. The littlest things can help drive and inspire you through the day, like a random act of kindness or having a humorous exchange with a barista. Help comes in various forms, through genuine people, a funny billboard, or nature. Hello, squirrels. You are funny creatures, just like that woodpecker that resides outside my bedroom window.

Despite my current mood and overwhelming sense of claustrophobia at the rocky uphill climb I am facing, I have hope. I can hope for a better day and a feeling that I belong and that I’m doing something right. I’ve been so displaced since moving to the Sillycon Valley, and I’ve been working so hard running the rat race (or hamster wheel) yet I’m surprised at the burn of the figurative lactic acid buildup. Maybe I should stop running and return to my yoga roots where I can breathe easy and really think about my next moves. Because it’s all about making good choices.

That’s a terrible joke since my last blog (hosted on LiveJournal), was laid to rest in May or June of 2005. I’ve just recently started blogging again, but it’s a different sort of beast because it’s part of a wellness journal/food diary that I am using to keep myself accountable. It feels good to be blogging again without feeling the need to be self-important or keep justifying myself. I don’t need to explain myself to others. Sometimes I feel others need to be explained to themselves, and that’s exactly what I do for fun when I attempt to “shrink” people with my undergraduate degree in psychology. More to come. Until next time,

http://www.dailystrength.org